Script

MRS. MALONEY: Hullo darling.
MR. MALONEY: Hullo darling
MRS. MALONEY: Tired darling?
MR. MALONEY: Yes. I'm very tired.
(Stands up to get himself some water, Mrs. Maloney sees)
MRS. MALONEY: I'll get it for you!
MR. MALONEY: No, you sit down.
MRS. MALONEY: Then shall I prepare supper? I haven't since its Thursday.
MR. MALONEY: No. Don't.
MRS. MALONEY: If you're too tired to eat out, I'll prepare some supper while you sit there. There's plenty of ingredients in the freezer.(Wait for answer)MRS. MALONEY: Anyway, I'll get you some cheese and crackers first.MR. MALONEY: I don't want anyway, don't bother preparing it. I want you to sit down for just one minute. I need to talk to you.
(Mrs. Maloney sits down)
MRS. MALONEY: What is it, darling? What is so important that you have to tell me before you have had your supper?
MR. MALONEY: This is going to be a huge shock to you, but I have to tell you now.I'm afraid that we will have to file for divorce.
(Extreme horro)
MR. MALONEY: I'll make sure that your looked after, send you money and all that, , but I really need you to understand.
MRS. MALONEY: But why?
MR. MALONEY: I got a piece of advice from my Mistress. She told me not to trust Lambchops and the other things I love.
MRS. MALONEY: You want to divorce with me because of a Mistress!?
MR. MALONEY: No. The lambchops also suggested it.(Super awkward silence)
MRS. MALONEY: I'll fix supper.
(Takes out lambchop and murders husband)
MR. MALONEY: I've had enough lambchops from that dream about me having a Mistress.
(Mr. Maloney gets owned)(Delay)
MRS. MALONEY: His brain must have been rot by the reports! He thinks that his dreams are reality! I must cover up for this crime!
(Prepares for going to Grocer)MRS. MALONEY: Hullo, Sam.
SAM: Good evening, Mrs. Maloney. How're you?
MRS. MALONEY: I want some potatoes please, Sam, and a can of peas.
SAM: Mr. Maloney decided not to eat in?
MRS. MALONEY: Yes, he's too tired. I happen to have no more vegetables. I still have a nice frozen leg of lamb though.
SAM: How about some cheesecake?
MRS. MALONEY: I'm sure he'll love that. I'll have that too.
(Buys some stuff and cheesecake)MRS. MALONEY: Thank you Sam, goodnight.
SAM: Good night, Mrs. Maloney. Thank you.
(Walks back home)
MRS. MALONEY: Patrick, how are you?
(Sees Mr. Maloney)(Cries)(Calls police)MRS. MALONEY: Come quickly! Patrick's dead!
CHIEF POLICE: Who’s speaking?
MRS. MALONEY: Mrs. Maloney.
CHIEF POLICE: WHAT THE HECK? YOU MEAN PATRICK'S DEAD?
(Chief of Police talks to other police)
CHIEF POLICE: Patrick died.
RANDOM POLICE: Finally a case!
(Cheering, obvious sadists)(Talks to Mrs. Maloney)
CHIEF POLICE: We'll be right over.
(Police investigation)
CHIEF POLICE: So you went to the grocers'? Which one was it?
MRS. MALONEY: Sam the grocer.
(investigation in progress...)
RANDOM POLICE: She has been to the grocers'. She bought these.
(Shows the list)
CHIEF POLICE: Check the freezer. See if its all there.
(investigation in progress...)
RANDOM POLICE: Sir, we've done the check. Its all there.
CHIEF POLICE: Once we've got the weapon, we've got the man.
RANDOM POLICE: Are there any heavy objects in this house? Like a metal vase?MRS. MALONEY: No, there are none as far as I remember.
(More investigation)
MRS. MALONEY: Officer, could you get me some whiskey?
RANDOM POLICE: If it would make you feel better, sure.
MRS. MALONEY: Would you like some yourself?
RANDOM POLICE: It might help me with the work... Ok.
(All the police takes some whiskey)
CHIEF POLICE: Mrs. Maloney, that oven of yours is still on, there's meat inside.
MRS. MALONEY: Oh my! I must have forgotten!CHIEF POLICE: I shall turn it off, then?
MRS. MALONEY: Thank you. Would be, perhaps, do me another favour?
CHIEF POLICE: What may that be?(Turns off oven)
MRS. MALONEY: You must be incredibly hungry, trying to find the one who murdered my husband. Could you help me finish that leg of lamb. I really have no appetite right now.
CHIEF POLICE: Hmm...(Signs from other police)
CHIEF POLICE: Sure, Mrs. Maloney:
(Mass Eating)RANDOM POLICE: That weapon sure was brutal, broke Patrick's skull like a sledge hammer.
RANDOM POLICE: I don't think the murderer would be able to escape unnoticed with such a weapon.
RANDOM POLICE: I bet its still in the premises, maybe under our very noses.


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